The Psalms for Survivors
PSALM 2

Copyright 1996 by B. Bolthouse. All Rights Reserved.

Why do the nations conspire and the peoples plot in vain? The kings of the earth take their stand and the rulers gather together against the LORD and against his Anointed One. "Let us break their chains," they say, "and throw off their fetters." The One enthroned in heaven laughs; the LORD scoffs at them. Then he rebukes them in his anger and terrifies them in his wrath, saying, "I have installed my King on Zion, my holy hill." I will proclaim the decree of the LORD: He said to me, "You are my Son today I have become your Father. Ask of me, and I will make the nations your inheritance, the ends of the earth your possession. You will rule them with an iron scepter; you will dash them to pieces like pottery." Therefore, you kings, be wise; be warned, you rulers of the earth. Serve the LORD with fear and rejoice with trembling. Kiss the Son, lest he be angry and you be destroyed in your way, for his wrath can flare up in a moment. Blessed are all who take refuge in him.

The "nations" and the "peoples" and the "kings" and the "rulers" in verses 1 and 2 are representative of people in my life (both past and present) who oppose my recovery. They comprise the perpetrators as a whole (and those who were and are their accomplices -- even those who straddle the fence, leaning more on the enemy's side than truth's side). I feel their conspiracies and their plotting against me; their lies between themselves and to others; the way they perpetuate misinformation and distort past and present realities. They take their stand against God -- they take their stand against God! They are in a bold stance, defying God! They are against the LORD Jehovah, against His Anointed One, Jesus Christ. That is where I need to see things -- times when I feel oppressed by them, it is not only me they have stood against, but God, my Defender, my Protector, my Savior -- His truth!!!

But what is God's response to them? Is He afraid? No! Is He concerned at their stand? No! Is He intimidated, or does He change His goals or priorities, or re-think what the truth is? No!!

"The One enthroned in Heaven laughs; the LORD scoffs at them." He looks down from on high and He says, "You fools! You little human beings! I AM THE LORD!!!" And then He turns His anger on them and rebukes them. Verse 5 says He "terrifies them in His wrath." Imagine these people who feel so mighty and powerful in their stand.....and they are terrified!!! Ultimately there will be justice and vengeance. They will experience God's anger and wrath. They will be terrified by His awesome presence!!!

God proclaims to them Who is King -- who is in charge -- who is God!! He tells them that the King, God's King (Jesus Christ) is installed on God's holy hill already.

God the Father has placed His scepter in the hands of His Son, Jesus Christ, and the nations and rulers and perpetrators and, indeed, everyone, is His possession. They are nothing but subjects to Jesus Christ, the King. And He will not tolerate their rebellion -- their stand -- forever. The day will come when the only scepter He will extend to them will be made of iron: cold (not compassionate), harsh (devoid of gentleness), strong and stern (made for punishing and judging).

These people, His rebellious subjects, are compared to pottery that He simply picks up and smashes to pieces. How amazing that those who I feel most intimidated by, have been so controlled by, who have hurt me so severely, who continue to try to destroy me with their cruelty, about whom I feel so powerless and helpless and vulnerable -- Jesus Christ will pick them up as easily as I can pick up a plate; He will "dash them to pieces" as quickly as I can throw a plate against a wall.

SMASH!! CRASH!! CRUMBLE.....Splinter.....clink...clank.... thousands of pieces laying on the floor in a heap.

However, I think the most incredible thing about this Psalm is how it portrays God's mercy. Through His holiness, His mercy, He gives these individuals one last chance -- a warning -- "Serve the LORD with fear." Turn to Me, He says, and serve Me, but do so in an attitude of fear, knowing what your end was going to be before you turned to Me. "Rejoice with trembling." Tremble, fear, service, rejoicing -- all involve humility; all involve moving out of a standing position against God.

When God says "Kiss the Son lest He be angry," I wonder if He is really saying, "I know how your arrogance can creep back into your lives, and how easy it might be for you to stand again. So while you serve, while you rejoice, I want you to bend over backwards to please My Son; to 'kiss His butt,' so to speak, because you owe Him so much."

Another aspect of "kissing the Son" is important also: it involves vulnerability. You have to get close to someone to kiss them. You have to put down what you are carrying; you have to get close and be vulnerable and exposed, and let down all your guards and defenses. You have to put yourself at their mercy; take the risk of acceptance or rejection. You have to trust.

I think God's reminder that the Son's wrath can flare up in a moment is almost as if He is saying, "Don't stop, don't quit serving me.....stay on your toes....don't even begin to stand again."

Yet the most humbling and amazing thing about this Psalm for me is that David concludes with this simple sentence: "Blessed are all who take refuge in Him." This Psalm has been mostly about the abusers. I am able to see not only that their deeds are actually a stance, a stand against God, but also that they will not get away with it. But just so I don't get filled with pride and thoughts of "they're really gonna get theirs," God reminds me of His far-reaching love.

This last line puts me, the past victim and present survivor, as well as any repentant abusers, under the same heading: we are blessed. We are blessed: I, in taking the refuge of protection and love and comfort and recovery and everything He is working in my life; and they, the ones who take their last chance, find refuge in His mercy, in His guiding them to live and serve Jesus Christ, in His instructions to have a posture of humility instead of standing.

I will pray for my abusers and others involved with them, that they will see the last chance God is giving them and take it, quickly, no longer standing against God and His Son, Jesus Christ, the King.

The Psalms for Survivors
PSALM 4

Copyright 1996 by B. Bolthouse. All Rights Reserved.

Answer me when I call to you, O my righteous God. Give me relief from my distress; be merciful to me and hear my prayer. How long, O men, will you turn my glory into shame? How long will you love delusions and seek false gods? Selah. Know that the LORD has set apart the godly for himself; the LORD will hear when I call to him. In your anger, do not sin; when you are on your beds, search your hearts and be silent. Selah. Offer right sacrifices and trust in the LORD. Many are asking, "Who can show us any good?" Let the light of your face shine upon us, O LORD. You have filled my heart with greater joy than when their grain and new wine abound. I will lie down and sleep in peace, for you alone, O LORD, make me dwell in safety.

I am immediately struck by David's confidence in asserting himself and his needs to God. He does not hesitate to state, "God, answer me" when he calls to the Lord. He needs not only to make requests of God, but to hear from God. Yet his request is not from an arrogant posture; rather one which acknowledges God's righteousness and holiness. He does not plead the same prayer over and over; he does not obsessively repeat "help me" in a desperate attitude of powerlessness. Nor does he pretend everything is okay and go into a denial state and put on a happy face to try to fool even God into thinking there are no trials or distresses in his life. Instead, David states clearly and openly what he wants from God: "Give me relief from my distress." Many times my prayers are of the "help me" variety, prayed over and over in such fervor of repetition in hopes that somehow, if I have prayed often enough and with an ample amount of earnestness, I will feel better and no longer need God....until the next crisis.

Not so with David. He simply asks God for relief, without any self-guilt and without analyzing whether or not it is God's will. I wonder, too, if asking for relief is different than asking for deliverance. Sometimes during my own distresses, having a brief respite of relief can give me strength to continue persevering. God does not always choose to deliver me, but He does give me times of relief.

David once again honors God by following up his request with humility-- not demanding relief, but rather asking for mercy, acknowledging God's "hugeness" -- affirming that God, the LORD Almighty of the universe, would, indeed, hear him.

When I read verse two, I am instantly aware that God understands the impact of my abuse fully and completely. When He created me, when He formed me (Psalm 139), He had plans for me... plans to give me a hope and a future... plans for me to serve the LORD... plans for my glory, my life, to give Him glory. My glory consisted of being made in His image, born with innocence and purity, a self-esteem in Christ, life filled up with the goodness of God. But my abusers took my glory and turned it into shame. They changed my innocence and purity and self-worth and everything perfect that God wanted for my life, and twisted it into shameful self-condemnation, evil -- everything that is not glory.

And in so doing, these people began believing their own lies... they deluded themselves so that they took the form of arrogance and placed themselves on pedestals as their own idols. They became false gods unto themselves and believed they were higher than God (how else could they treat one of His children this way?). They even became false gods to me, because in my mind, they had more power than the Lord.

Verse 3 warms my heart. It reminds me that despite these evil people and their intentions, their arrogance; despite their taking my glory and turning it into shame; God set me apart for Himself! He knew what they were doing, He watched them, He grieved and wept and sorrowed over their perverted and corrupt acts. Yet He never once let go of me! He held on -- He set me apart for Himself! And that knowledge gives me the assurance that the Lord will hear when I call to Him. Because in spite of all the evil acts perpetrated upon me, I am His. I always was.

I like verse four because it assumes I will be angry. That is the neat thing about the Lord -- He knows what our responses are, and He doesn't want us to pretend or avoid -- He wants us to face them and deal with them. I have a difficult time being angry at my abusers, probably because many of them were family members who were in the role of caregivers. It is so much easier to blame myself, to wear the shame they put on me instead of the glory God gave me. Perhaps God put this verse here to remind me that He is angry at what happened to me, but He does not sin in His anger. Therefore, it is okay for me to be angry; however, I need to be aware that sin is never far away. It would be too easy for me to sin in my anger -- to get revenge -- to desire murder -- to curse the people who hurt me so horribly -- to refuse healing and live out my life in bitterness and sinful anger.

Instead, the Lord tells me to wait until I am quiet, in bed, and search my heart. There are very few distractions in bed -- time to think, to listen to thoughts and the different parts inside me; time to reflect and contemplate; time to search my heart, to discern my anger, to be aware of potential sins; time to choose not to give in to revenge. It is there, in my quiet time in bed with the Lord, that I, and all the parts inside me, can offer right sacrifices -- sacrifices of my will, my needs and wants, my desires for revenge. And in sacrificing, I surrender it all to the Lord. "Trust in the LORD." Why? Because He saw it all -- because my abusers took the glory He created and turned it into shame -- because He is angry -- because He will avenge me!

There are those who, just like the ones in verse 6, ask me, "Why do you need to deal with the past?" "Why can't you just get over it and get on with your life?" "What good is it doing you?" Some of these people are relatives who don't want to acknowledge sin, some are people in my church who don't want to deal with their own issues; most of them find it easier to buy into satan's lies and pretend sexual abuse doesn't exist than to take responsibility for doing God's work to help survivors. To those people I respond with verses 6 and 7: "Let the light of Your face shine upon us, O LORD. You have filled my heart with greater joy than when their grain and new wine abound."

I have discovered that letting the light of God's face shine upon me is not a five-minute experience. It is a slow, deliberate process. It is a choice made by raising my head up to Heaven, closing my eyes and shutting out the world; it is feeling God's light; it is allowing His deep, penetrating warmth to soak in and fill me so that I drown in it. And it is in being filled with His light that two things take place. First, I become aware of my sins. Basking in the warmth of God's light is soothing and pleasant. It is also painful because it reveals the real me -- who I am -- with no pretenses, with no protective defenses, with no pretty coverings. It exposes all my shame and self-hate, my sinful anger, my self-protection and defenses. And where does it all come from? From the second thing that takes place: God's light exposes the past. His light penetrates through all my layers and takes me right back to where satanic footholds and demonic strongholds first started-- in the past, in my abuse, in my sinful responses.

Is it tempting to seek relief in the shade for a while and avoid His light infiltrating through to the truth, the pain; to want to avoid repentance and surrender; to not persevere unto healing? Yes! But by remaining in His light and being vulnerable to the Lord, I experience something I never had before: He fills my heart with great joy! I have never been filled with great joy before. In fact, most of my life I have had much depression and desires to die. Even as a 5 and 6 year old little girl, I remember standing out by the side of the road at the end of our driveway and wishing I was dead. I never knew there was such joy to be experienced! David describes this joy as more joy than farmers experience in the height of abundance of grain and new wine. How awesome that the greatest joy of success that people experience here on earth cannot compare to the joy that the Lord gives us when we allow His light to saturate us! But this joy is not possible unless I am willing to let God's light shine through my layers, enlightening my soul, freeing me from past pain, and releasing me from sinful self-protection.

The last verse in this Psalm feels like a sigh of relief to me. Finally, after asking for relief in my distress; after realizing that what God intended for glory was turned into shame; after searching my heart for sins and sacrificing my self-protection to God; after allowing God's light to shine on me and penetrate my layers (despite rejection and discouragement from others); after experiencing great joy in my heart....finally I can lie down and sleep...in peace. I can relax and allow the weariness of my distress to melt away into sleep. And how is this possible? Because the LORD gives me safety -- He causes me to dwell in His strong, secure, loving, comforting arms. His light shines through to the core of me, exposing all my hurt and shame, filling me up with Himself, bringing me great joy, giving me peace. Finally, I am safe.

The Psalms for Survivors
PSALM 5:1-7

The Psalms for Survivors
PSALM 7

Copyright 1996 by B. Bolthouse. All Rights Reserved.

O Lord, my God, I take refuge in You; save and deliver me from all who pursue me, or they will tear me like a lion and rip me to pieces with no one to rescue me. O LORD my God, if I have done this and there is guilt on my hands -- if I have done evil to him who is at peace with me or without cause have robbed my foe -- then let my enemy pursue me and overtake me; let him trample my life to the ground and make me sleep in the dust. Selah. Arise, O LORD, in your anger; rise up against the rage of my enemies. Awake, my God; decree justice. Let the assembled peoples gather around you. Rule over them from on high; let the LORD judge the peoples. Judge me, O LORD, according to my righteousness, according to my integrity, O Most High. O righteous God, who searches minds and hearts, bring to an end the violence of the wicked and make the righteous secure. My shield is God Most High, who saves the upright in heart. God is a righteous judge, a God who expresses his wrath every day. If he does not relent, he will sharpen his sword; he will bend and string his bow. He has prepared his deadly weapons; he makes ready his flaming arrows. He who is pregnant with evil and conceives trouble gives birth to disillusionment. He who digs a hole and scoops it out falls into the pit he has made. The trouble he causes recoils on himself; his violence comes down on his own head. I will give thanks to the LORD because of his righteousness and will sing praise to the name of the LORD Most High.

The past week was one in which sometimes it seemed like I was fighting to stay alive. Over and over the Bible talks about the Lord being a refuge for us, and yet like David I was not thoroughly convinced of the reality of God's refuge.

David cries in verses 1-2, "God, save and deliver me from the enemies who are after me! They are going to catch up to me and rip me to pieces before I get a chance to be rescued!!"

Proverbs 18:10 tells us that "the name of the LORD is a strong tower; the righteous run to it and are safe." One of the most awesome things about it is the fact that it is not God's physical presence that is required for protection -- God's Name is a strong tower! I imagine this tower to be set high on a hill -- visible no matter where I am in this journey. It is made of supernatural armor, and nothing can penetrate it or blow it up or even put a dent in it. As long as I keep my eyes on this tower, I am always safe; I always have somewhere to run and hide and be protected. And no matter how far away I feel from it, the Holy Spirit inside me knows exactly how to get there, all I have to do is cry out "help!" and instantly I am standing at the door.

I can hear God responding to David's cry, "Turn your head and look! See, the strong tower of My name . . . Run to Me and you are safe . . . I am keeping watch from the lookout high in My tower, and your enemies will not be able to catch up to you or overtake you or harm you. Here I am, David! Run to me!"

There are two great things about this tower of God's Name, besides the protection and camouflage it offers. First, when I am in trouble the only thing I have to do is run into His tower. I don't have to turn to see where the enemy is, or how close they are gaining on me, or worry that they will obstruct my path -- God can see it all from His outlook in the top tower windows and He is watching my way, and keeping track of my distress, of anyone who is trying to harm me, or sidetrack me, or sabotage my healing. The second thing is, no one can come into His tower unless they have a relationship with Him. That means that as soon as I hear the heavy armor doors WHAM! shut . . . Whew! They cannot do anything about it... I am safe and secure in His Name. My life is "hidden with Christ in God" (Colossians 3:3); He hides me in His shelter and keeps me safe from noisy crowds and destructive people. This is stalwart security for me, and a formidable force for those who want to hurt me.

The Psalms for Survivors
PSALM 8

Copyright 1996 by B. Bolthouse. All Rights Reserved.

O LORD, our Lord, how majestic is your name in all the earth! You have set your glory above the heavens. From the lips of children and infants you have ordained praise because of your enemies, to silence the foe and the avenger. When I consider your heavens, the work of your fingers, the moon and the stars, which you have set in place, what is man that you are mindful of him, the son of man that you care for him? You made him a little lower than the heavenly beings and crowned him with glory and honor. You made him ruler over the works of your hands; you put everything under his feet: all flocks and herds, and the beasts of the field, the birds of the air, and the fish of the sea, all that swim the paths of the seas. O LORD, our Lord, how majestic is your name in all the earth.

"O LORD, Our Lord" -- David begins by acknowledging the Father and the Son. In my mind I read it as, "O God Almighty, our Savior." He is both the awesome God Most High and the humble Servant who took on our humanity to set us free. He is one God, yet separate Persons -- a perfect "multiple." He is not dissociative, rather He is completely co-conscious; one God with three distinct selves -- not because of any abuse but in holiness; not for self-protection in relationship, but for purposes of pursuing a perfect love relationship with us. I suppose this seems radical to think of God as the perfect multiple personality (minus the disorder) but thinking of God in these terms helps me understand the divine Trinity in my own limited ability.

"How majestic is Your name in all the earth!" How regal, exalted, praiseworthy, high, kingly, elegant, stately, graceful, uncommon, dignified, distinguished, chaste, flawless, commanding, authoritative, beautiful, revered, honored, mighty, noble, wonderful -- how MAJESTIC is God's Name! No one can come close to matching His glory -- it is unreachable, high "above the heavens," beyond the vision of any space shuttle or telescope, transcending galaxies!

Verse 2 is awesome. Imagine this -- God's glory and majesty is so huge, so powerful that it equips infants and children to silence His enemies. God says that the most vulnerable and helpless people on earth are who He values and treasures, who praise Him and give Him glory! The most powerful and scariest people in my life are silenced by the praise of little children. The abusers who betrayed God by hurting us as infants and children have no authority; the people who continue to harass and plot evil against us are defeated. And they are powerless because God cherishes babies and children. My friend, that is what our recovery is all about! The children we once were, and the kids inside us (if you are MPD/DID), are ascribing praise to God Almighty, our Savior, and honoring Him by telling the truth, praising Him by opening our hearts to His healing, and standing firm in victory over our "enemies," "foes," and "avengers."

I can understand how David must have felt in verse 3 at the magnitude of God when he looked at God's creation. I wonder if this incredible earth, with its awesome landscapes, beautiful oceans and beaches, magnificent night skies, and many other wonders, is just a glimpse of God's creative "juices." And then I realize, if this earth can look this beautiful with all the sin that pervades it, imagine how breathtaking Heaven must be! And man is nothing in comparison. How can people even consider for a moment that they are anything? And how can they dare misuse God's precious infants and children! Such arrogance to even distort the beauty of God's creation by raping it with their abuses, and violating His cherished little ones!

Verses 4-8 remind me of Philippians 2:6-11. When Jesus Christ took on humanity so He could willingly bear our sufferings and die for our sins, it was a great sacrifice. Prior to His conception and birth in Bethlehem He was not human -- He always existed with God. But He chose to give up His spirit being to take on human form for the rest of eternity for us. Even now, He is alive in Heaven, but in a glorified body. David and Paul both describe Jesus as "lowering Himself" to become the perfect God-man, in a human body. And yet He is still God -- He is still higher than God's creation, He is still far above human beings. And yet people still choose to strut around as if He is nothing. He is Ruler over all, yet they refuse to acknowledge Him. They refuse to honor and praise Him. But infants and children are not encumbered by haughty self-deifying pride. No wonder many who abuse children do so when they are very young. They think they will be able to circumvent God's authority which He demonstrates through the praise of His cherished children.

But David has a reminder for them, and he concludes this Psalm with it so there can be no doubt -- O LORD, O God Almighty, our Lord and Savior, how majestic, how revered, how worthy of praise, how magnificent, is Your Name in all the earth! And we, His little ones, will continue to silence our enemies through His praises.

The Psalms for Survivors
PSALM 9

Copyright 1997 by B. Bolthouse. All Rights Reserved.

For the director of music. To the tune of the "The Death of the Son." A Psalm of David. I will praise you, O LORD, with all my heart; I will tell of all your wonders. I will be glad and rejoice in you; I will sing praise to your name, O Most High. My enemies turn back; they stumble and perish before you. For you have upheld my right and my cause; you have sat on your throne, judging righteously. You have rebuked the nations and destroyed the wicked; you have blotted out their name for ever and ever. Endless ruin has overtaken the enemy, you have uprooted their cities; even the memory of them has perished. The LORD reigns forever; he has established his throne for judgment. He will judge the world in righteousness; he will govern the peoples with justice. The LORD is a refuge for the oppressed, a stronghold in times of trouble. Those who know your name will trust in you, for you, LORD, have never forsaken those who seek you. Sing praises to the LORD, enthroned in Zion; proclaim among the nations what he has done. For he who avenges blood remembers; he does not ignore the cry of the afflicted. O LORD, see how my enemies persecute me! Have mercy and lift me up from the gates of death, that I may declare your praises in the gates of the Daughter of Zion and there rejoice in your salvation. The nations have fallen into the pit they have dug; their feet are caught in the net they have hidden. The LORD is known by his justice; the wicked are ensnared by the work of their hands. Higgaion. Selah. The wicked return to the grave, all the nations that forget God. But the needy will not always be forgotten, nor the hope of the afflicted ever perish. Arise, O LORD, let not man triumph; let the nations be judged in your presence. Strike them with terror, O LORD; let the nations know they are but me. Selah.

There is a notation in my Bible indicating that Psalms 9 and 10 most likely comprised a single poem in the original manuscripts. Whether one or two, these Psalms are hard for me to read because of the depth of emotion in them, because they deal with grief and put me in touch with the losses in my life, and the painful mourning that accompanies them -- mourning which I have avoided feeling most of my life, but which has not been able to stay buried inside me.

Psalm 9 begins in the header: to the tune of "The Death of the Son;" and David begins his grieving with giving praise to God and acknowledging God's faithfulness. There is a transition between Psalm 9 and 10, "Selah," and I wonder if David paused here and allowed the deeper anguish of his soul, of his grieving, to come forth. Psalm 10 has anger and revenge and questions, but it also has a stronger resolve in faith and trusting God through this loss... but that is for another day. Today I need to understand David's faith and trust in Psalm 9.

I don't know what your losses are, my friend, or where you are at as you read this. My own grieving has to do with the loss of myself and my childhood, of a husband, of a family. David was mourning his son. And that is where I make the connection with him, with his feelings, with his grief.

David begins by praising God. When I initially read verse one my reaction was, "Brother, is David in denial!" But after reading it over a few times, trying to discern what this had to do with grieving, it doesn't seem like he was in denial at all. I think that in the middle of his grief, he still wanted to acknowledge God's faithfulness; to stand firm in the fact of God being bigger than the present suffering; to recollect for a moment His wonderful works; to gain strength in identifying God in His supreme omnipotence -- "O Most High." And I am comforted in David's affirmation of a God who, even in pain and sorrow, is worthy of praise.

In verses 3-6, God helps David see the bigger picture -- the perspective from eternity -- the truth that from God's viewpoint David's enemies are already defeated, they are already blotted out, and the memory of them is gone forever. What a perspective that is! That regardless of what circumstances look like today, those who hurt us so much, who caused this mourning and grieving we are consumed by, will not be neglected. They will be held accountable! God will act as both our prosecuting attorney and as the judge, upholding our right and our cause, judging righteously. And the proclamations in verse one tell us we can trust this. Because He is God Most High. Because He is sovereign; because He is worthy of praise.

Verse 8 reminds me that the Lord is perfect righteousness and perfect justice, but He is also a refuge for the oppressed, for the grieving. Sometimes I forget that David was a king. He talks about nations and enemies and cities, but he relates to the suffering, to those who feel alone and have no where to turn. He did not forget he was a man, he did not exalt himself above you and me. And David in his aloneness and in his isolation knew of a safe place -- a refuge. "The LORD is a refuge for the oppressed, a stronghold in times of trouble. Those who know your name will trust in you, for you, LORD, have never forsaken those who seek you" (verses 9-10). Wow. I am in awe of this. And I am moved. I am not alone! Not only is God my refuge, but He is my stronghold! He is my fortress, my buttress against the enemy, my defense and protection. Those who have hurt me, whether abusers or friends or other relationships, they cause me to experience intensely painful emotions because of their hurt and the consequences of that hurt, but they cannot penetrate me deeper than that because I belong to God. And I choose NOT to believe them! I choose NOT to identify with them. Even in the anguish I feel, I turn away from them and look at God Most High and run to His tower and He does not turn me away -- He embraces me, scoops me up in His arms, and gently carries me in all my bruising and brokenness to a safe place where He can nurture me and heal me.

Perhaps that is why, in verse 11, David says, "Sing praises to the LORD, enthroned in Zion; proclaim among the nations what he has done"!

But has God forgotten what caused our pain? Now that we are safe inside His refuge are we abandoned simply to grieve? No. He remembers. He knows our suffering. He does not ignore the cause of our grieving. And how can He? He is the God who avenges blood. He is the God who does not ignore the cry of the afflicted. He is God Most High. He is worthy of praise. And He holds our abusers and others who have hurt us accountable.

It takes time to see God's justice, to see His vengeance. Like David my intensity is such that I feel at times as though I am dying from the anguish inside my soul (vs. 13). Perhaps you feel this too. I say to myself what I say to you, my friend: Don't give up! Don't give in to this present circumstance! "The LORD is known by His justice; the wicked are ensnared by the work of their hands" (vs. 13). How much do I trust God Most High? What do I really truly believe about Him? And am I willing to give these losses to Him? To give my grieving to Him? Even to choose to give these people to Him? And am I willing to choose to trust Him to do things in His own time? I have to think this through... I am not sure! I don't want God to forget about this pain! I don't want Him to let these people off the hook! But, wait! I am in His refuge! ... or am I? Did I step out of His shelter or am I safe? If I am safe then can I wait? Yes! I can wait because I am with Him, I am not forgotten. I can trust Him for as long as it takes to work out His plan for my abusers.

Verse 18 has eight words which confirm that I can trust God's work in His own time: "nor the hope of the afflicted ever perish." Wait... did I see the word "hope"? Yes. The hope of the afflicted. I am afflicted, O Lord. I feel beaten down and grief-stricken, and in anguish over all these losses. How can I have hope? Yet You don't say that hope is something to choose to have -- hope just is. Hope is a fact. I lose hope but hope does not lose me. Hope is always with me, even when I am agonizing, even when I am hurting. Hope will never perish. How can I grab hold of this hope, Lord?

Ohhhh..... I see, Lord... verses 19-20. There is God's response to me. "My child, I am God Most High! Man will not triumph! Abusers will be judged! They are but men, and I will remind them!" Then He pauses, gently looks down at my questioning face, my hesitancy in trusting Him, and He quietly counsels me, "Don't look at them, my child. I have not abandoned you in your grieving -- I am hurting with you. And I have replaced your losses with Myself. I am your Father now. I am your Husband now. My children are your family. Let Me take care of the pain, of the loss, of the ones who have hurt you. Will you trust Me enough to give them to Me? Will you trust Me enough to let Me think about them from now on? Will you believe that I will not forget?"

And then I look up at Him again, and recall the words of Isaiah, "Though your mother may forget, I will not forget you! See, I have engraved you on the palms of My hands; you are ever before Me" (Isaiah 49:15-16)... and I realize God is truly with me! He loved me enough to die for me... He loves me enough to carry my name in the scars on His hands!

I bow my head in surrender. "Dear Jesus, I give this pain to You. I give these people to You. I trust You not to forget because You promised You would remember. I trust You to take care of these losses and this pain from now on. And I choose to let You have the right of vengeance. I give up my need for paybacks, Lord, and I place these people in Your hands today. Thank You that You are with me. Thank You that You are my refuge and my safe shelter. Thank You that You are God Most High, the sovereign LORD, worthy of praise. Amen."

The Psalms for Survivors
PSALM 10

Copyright 1997 by B. Bolthouse. All Rights Reserved.

Why, O LORD, do you stand far off? Why do you hide yourself in times of trouble? In his arrogance the wicked man hunts down the weak, who are caught in the schemes he devises. He boasts of the cravings of his heart; he blesses the greedy and reviles the LORD. In his pride the wicked does not seek him; in all his thoughts there is no room for God. His ways are always prosperous; he is haughty and your laws are far from him; he sneers at all his enemies. He says to himself, "Nothing will shake me; I'll always be happy and never have trouble." He lies in wait near the villages; from ambush he murders the innocent, watching in secret for his victims. He lies in wait like a lion in cover; he lies in wait to catch the helpless; he catches the helpless and drags them off in his net. His victims are crushed, they collapse; they fall under his strength. He says to himself, "God has forgotten; he covers his face and never sees." Arise, LORD! Lift up your hand, O God. Do not forget the helpless. Why does the wicked man revile God? Why does he say to himself, "He won't call me to account"? But you, O God, do see trouble and grief; you consider it to take it in hand. The victim commits himself to you; you are the helper of the fatherless. Break the arm of the wicked and evil man; call him to account for his wickedness that would not be found out. The LORD is King for ever and ever; the nations will perish from his land. You hear, O LORD, the desire of the afflicted; you encourage them, and you listen to their cry, defending the fatherless and the oppressed, in order that man, who is of the earth, may terrify no more.

As I mentioned earlier, the Septuagint (the earliest Greek translation) combines Psalms 9 and 10 into one poem, the stanzas of which each begin with the successive letters of the Hebrew alphabet. After realizing David's mourning in Psalm 9, and his comfort and hope because of God's sovereignty, we see another side of his grief in Psalm 10 -- his honest anger before the Lord.

It is easier for me to feel anger than to feel hurt. It feels safer, somehow to be filled with rage rather than to feel the sorrow of loss. It feels stronger to be able to express wrath than it does to express the weakness of tears and vulnerable woundedness. Yet the dichotomy is that in the strength and safety of rage, I have great fear of admitting it to the Lord. Seeing David's anger here gives me freedom to express my own to God.

"Where are You, God? Where are You? Huh? Why have you allowed all this trouble and then disappear, leaving me to fend for myself?" That is my interpretation of verse one. Blaming God. Angry at God. All this is His fault. Or if I don't want to give in to that thought, then I give in to the next one -- "He allowed this to happen and now He has forsaken me." But I am afraid to be honest enough with the Lord to admit my anger toward Him. David didn't hide behind superficial spirituality. He openly, and without hesitation, admitted his anger, his blame, his feelings of abandonment to God.

For me, in trying to get in touch with my feelings about the abuse, about losses in my life, about the hurts in my marriage, I have found that underneath all the layers is anger toward God. But I am afraid to express it because I am afraid of God. Yet why do I fear? In my intellect I know the Lord loves me, that I am His child, that He desires intimacy and honesty in our relationship. And here is God's answer to me -- through David's deep honesty before Him, it is okay for me to be angry at Him. I recall a few weeks ago when I was in a situation that was devastating. It was the result of a loss in my life. And I was angry, filled beyond any type of "rage tolerance level" over the circumstances in which I found myself. And my feelings bubbled up to the surface and spilled out fast and furious and I couldn't contain or control them like I had all the other times of feeling grief. And I raged at God. I screamed at Him and cried to Him and felt utter raw fury toward my circumstances; at His allowing me to be in this situation; at the feelings of being abandoned by Him. I wonder if that is what David was feeling, was taking the risk of admitting to God -- out and out rage.

I've found that as I get in touch with the deeply honest, true feelings of anger toward God, admit them to myself, and subsequently admit them to God, that I can then feel safe enough to experience the intense anger toward others who have caused these losses. If I don't get down to that level where I can express my rage at the Lord, then the anger seems even more out of control, beyond what I can handle, and I give in to the fear of not only feeling it but expressing it, and it sinks deeper inside and gradually grows into an even more intense inferno.

But this day, when I raged and screamed to God, I realized two things I never had before: God is big enough to take my anger; and God is safe enough for me to express my anger in His presence. You see, it wasn't until I lived through verse one that I could genuinely get in touch with verses 2-13. Those verses are about really seeing the truth of the ones who caused my hurt. Oh, I know we can read about the wicked and relate to what David says about them, but I am talking about seeing them through hurt, in an honest conviction, speaking the truth about the pain they have caused; not from a vengeful perspective, but from a gut-level, heart-wrenching, truth-realization of what is in their hearts and how God sees them. When I feel my pain and see my adversaries after I have safely raged at God in His presence, then I can see the truth about them. And my anger toward the Lord opens my eyes so that I can then safely vent about the ones who have caused it. This time, reading verses 2-13, I am not looking at those who caused this grief through emotion-consuming wrath -- I am looking at them through God's anger because in venting at Him I suddenly become aware of His own anger, not toward me, but toward the ones who have hurt me. And that is what gives me safety and strength to see the truth, and through the truth, through the anger, to then feel the deeper level of hurt.

David's description of the one who has caused his sorrow is so true, isn't it? Can you relate to this one as I can? Someone who takes advantage of my vulnerabilities and weaknesses; who ignores and even slanders God in favor of those who will give him what he wants; who always seems to "have" while I "have not;" who is full of self-righteous arrogance and sure that he will get away with whatever he does; who is secretive in his schemes, even subtly, deliberately doing things to harm me; who is certain that God could care less about his hurting me because if I am not important to him, then why would I ever matter to God.

And I see the truth. And I cry out to God asking Him "why?" Not about my circumstances, but about why it seems like the one who harms continues to get away with it. And if I am honest with you and with myself, I even wonder if how the wicked lives is really the truth.

But then the Lord brings me into His truth. In verse 14 I see that the one who has hurt me is mistaken, and so am I in my skepticism. "But You, O God, do see trouble and grief; You consider it to take it in hand. The victim commits himself to You; You are the helper of the fatherless." You see, after I have raged at God and felt the deeper level of pain that is hiding beneath the anger; after I have looked through God's eyes and seen the attitudes and felt the anger toward the one who caused my pain; I am not left standing on feelings of helplessness. Instead, I find myself standing on the perspective of God's truth and on firm faith. One thing satan tries to do is overwhelm me with the view of my malefactor with what seems like a reality of helplessness, of overpowering anger that will consume me if I express it, of total utter aloneness and abandonment by God. I mean, if the wicked are prospering and getting away with harm, then indeed, where IS God? But those are lies of the enemy! And here is the truth that I am standing firmly connected to: God sees; God is not ignoring any of this; God has not abandoned me; God is my helper. But I also have to take an active role: "the victim commits himself to You." I need to go to God. I need to entrust my anger, my rage, my hurt to Him. Because when I do that then I know the certainty and the strength of standing firm with Him, in anger, in pain, and deeply connected to God.

I am strengthened and fortified by the way David ends this poem about his grieving. He began in Psalm 9 by praising the Lord and acknowledging the sovereignty of God Most High; and then in Psalm 10 he took the risk of trusting Him enough to express his gut-level anger at Him, then realizing his anger toward those who wounded him. And he has come out the other side of this experience with deeper faith, strengthened resolve, not asking for help, but stating the power of his Defender, his King. Can you hear the firmness in David's voice as he stands up with the Lord and shouts out loud so that anyone who has any doubt will hear him? "The LORD is King for ever and ever! You hear O Lord, the desire of the afflicted; You encourage them, and You listen to their cry! You defend the fatherless and the oppressed so that those who hurt them will not ever get away with it!"

O Lord, God Most High, may I continue to take risks with You. You are the safest One to whom I can express my anger. Thank You, Lord Jesus Christ, that You are King for ever and ever, and that I belong to You. You hear my rage, You accept my outcry and my tears, and You are with me. Thank You for being my Defender. Amen.