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of Journaling & Encouragement
Baggage & Purpose
We all have baggage. Here is how to trade it in for PURPOSE!
DWF... Seeking!
One woman's journey through life after divorce
My Lament...His Hope
Journaling through the Book of Lamentations while in the midst of
recovery.
Psalms for Survivors
Recovery journey through the Psalms
My Father's Daughter
A Letter to God on Father's Day 1996
Going Sailing
Letting Jesus into your recovery
My Father's Daughter
When I wake up in the morning, He is there. He greets me with a smile,
and I can tell by looking in His eyes that He has my entire day planned
out for me. He is awesome, this Father of mine, but I haven't realized
it until just the last few years. I missed so much when I was growing
up; now I am an adult and I feel as though I am starting over in this
parent/child relationship. I need Him much more than I used to -- and if
I forget to contact Him He reaches out to me, letting me know He is
close by and even missed my talking with Him during the day.
He never comes home drunk or in a bad mood; I never worry what He might
say or whether He will lose His temper and lash out at me with cruel
words or His belt. He does not belittle me or put me down; He never
glances disparagingly at me from across the room. He doesn't ridicule me
or bring up past faults or undermine my confidence. He always lets me
know when I have succeeded, and encourages me in everything I undertake.
He never makes me feel like a failure or a mistake; He is always telling
me He only wants me to do the best I can. If I mess up He will talk to
me about it, and He never lies, or manipulates, or condescends to me. He
is always honest and His discipline feels more like a teacher who kindly
corrects me and points me in the right direction. He never touches me
inappropriately, and I never feel self-conscious around Him. There has
never been a time when He even thought about me in a sexual way, or set
up physical expectations of me.
Sometimes I get depressed and need to be held and hugged, and my Dad is
always right there. He is big enough to pick up my grown-up self in His
arms and hold me; sometimes He rocks me gently, speaking soothing words
of comfort which ease my fears and reach deeply inside me. When I am
afraid at night He stays with me. Sometimes He sits on the edge of my
bed and holds my hand or softly caresses my cheek, and I can fall asleep
peacefully, safely. He tells me that He wanted me and chose me to be His
child; that I am precious and a treasure to Him; and that He is building
me my own special palace so that in the future I will be able to live
with Him forever.
I never knew how much He loved me until recently. And even now He still
amazes me over and over with His continual care of me and unconditional
acceptance of me. I know I never did anything to deserve the love of my
Dad. But He says that I was never supposed to -- He loves me exactly as
I am, and always will. He is my Heavenly Father. And I am His daughter.
Beth Bolthouse (copyright 1996)
Going Sailing
Imagine that today you find yourself at the ocean, near the end of a
dock. You can hear seagulls in the distance, and smell the sea air, and
feel the hard planks underneath your feet. But you are not alone. You
become aware of someone else there with you and look up. Who could it be
here in this dense almost-fog and almost-darkness? It is God... and He
is standing on His sailboat, and He says, "I'm so glad you are here.
Come aboard My boat and we will go sailing together." And He motions for
you to come on His boat with a gentle kind face and encouraging smile,
and there is a reassurance about Him that is soothing and comforting.
You notice the name on the side of the boat, HEALING & RECOVERY. And it's such a
scary thought. That ocean is mighty big and extremely murky, and the air
makes it difficult to breathe, and you can't see beyond the boat, even,
because of the almost-fog and almost-darkness. And you look at the boat
and you look at Him and you say, "Uh, I don't know, God, I think I like
where I am just fine...... yessireee... This dock is exactly where I am
going to stay."
You turn around to motion behind you, from where you came, to point out
to Him that you can always go back there, and you are struck with the
realization that you can't see back there... it isn't safe... you don't
know where to step to get back to what felt like "comfort" and "safe"
because it isn't comfort and safe any more. And the Lord leans over the
side and says, "My boat is the safest place you can be. See this
gigantic mast here holding up the sail? Look closer... He is the Lord
Jesus... you can hold on to Him for dear life through the entire
journey. This boat will never tip over, and you will never drown. Yes,
you will see the deep scary waters, and feel the spray of the storms and
hear the howlin
g winds, but this boat is big enough for everyone inside
of you, and completely safe because I am the Captain, and I will never
let anything happen to you as long as you are on My boat. Come with me
now, and we can go sailing."
And you look at Him and His boat, and you look at what was behind you,
and you realize you can stay on the dock indefinitely, or you can take
the "risk" (close your eyes, hold your breath, even) and jump onto His
boat. He will never force you to do that, it is always your choice. But
none of us is safe on the dock... all it will take is a huge wave the
next time the water gets rocky and we will be knocked off the dock and
hurled into the water and need to be rescued. And guess who will be
there waiting patiently? God.... He will be there, and He will rescue
you... but oh, how you will have wished to have been on His boat.
A few weeks ago my pastor spoke about Peter's experience with the Lord
in Matthew 14. Jesus had just finished feeding 5000 people with only two
fish and five loaves of bread, and He wanted some time alone to pray, so
He told His disciples to get into their boat and go on ahead of Him to
the other side of the lake. In the middle of the night, around 4 a.m., a
storm rose up complete with high waves and intense winds, and the
disciples were afraid. They looked out on the lake and thought they saw
a ghost; however Jesus reassured them that it was only He, taking a
stroll on the water, completely unconcerned with the weather. (I am sure
you remember this story.) Peter wanted to meet Him on the water, and
Jesus encouraged him to do so, even enabling Peter to walk on the water
as He Himself was doing.
All was going along fine, until Peter realized the harshness of the
wind, and fear overwhelmed him and he started to drown. And this is what
struck me the most, I think -- Jesus didn't calm the storm (even though
He certainly had the power to do so). Instead, He reached out His hand
and grasped Peter and held on to him so he would not sink. Jesus knew
what was important for Peter -- he needed to face his fears, go through
the storm, and learn to cling to Jesus who would never let him drown,
but instead, go through his fears with him. And I realized from this
Bible study that we all experience similar things in our recovery ... we
each have our own "lakes" and "storms" ... yet Jesus is there, waiting
for us to cry out to Him, wanting to grab hold of our hand, and go
through the storm with us. To me, this is what recovery is all about --
facing my fears (and anything else) because I am safe. Jesus is hanging
onto me for my life. And He will take me sailing!
Beth Bolthouse (copyright 1996)
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